What Do When Your Child Downloads Porn

It took me a while to press the publish button on this post. I know it’s a controversial topic, maybe even a little taboo. But the truth of the matter is, it happens, everyday to millions of parents. What is it? Well, it’s my child – your child being exposed to pornography.

Before I could publish this, I had to make sure that I was okay with doing so and that I wasn’t invading my son’s privacy. I’m not. I’m helping other parents get through this #notamilestone moment. I had to be positive that my son knew that his feelings were not wrong. I had to let him know that downloading porn is wrong. 

My Initial Reaction:

I was actually livid at first. I asked him about it. I was looking at the times that he downloaded the porn and he lied. I don’t know why he lied. In retrospect, I realize that he may have been scared that he could have gotten in trouble, that we would yell or scream at him, and who knows what else he may have been thinking.

Normally, we have a very open relationship. He knows he can tell me and his Dad anything. I want to be clear that the kind of porn that was downloaded was a game through the Amazon App Store. While it may not have been actual pornography, it is a form of pornography none-the-less. 

From livid, I calmed down and headed straight into paranoia. Yes, I almost became that mom who goes, “Where did you learn this?” “Is anyone touching you?” “Why did you download this?” I stopped myself. The look in his eyes, you know the deer caught in headlights one, well he had it, and it broke my heart.

It broke my heart in so many ways. In my mind his innocence had been taken, he now knows what a naked woman looks like in compromising positions. I wanted him to wait, I wanted his Dad to have “The Talk”, but it wasn’t meant to be that way. At least, not at first.

So What Did You Do?

I’ve never been the mom to say, “Stop it or your wee wee will fall off,” or “Stop doing that or you will go blind.” I’m Catholic, not stupid. I just explained to him that it was something that is to be done in private and not in public places.

It’s common knowledge that masturbation or at least the discovery of one’s body begins between the ages of 6 and 10 – sometimes younger. Well he’s 8. He’s right smack in the middle.

When he finally admitted that he did in fact download the porn/game, I asked him to go sit in the kitchen and wait for me and his dad. I needed a couple of minutes to calm down, assimilate my feelings, and breathe. I also didn’t want to yell at him and embarrass him further. A few minutes later, we called him back into the living room and asked him to have a seat. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Bubbies, first we want you to know that it’s okay for you to have these kinds of feeling towards girls and your body. It’s normal, and we’re not angry with you for that. We’re upset and disappointed, because 1. you lied to us with the evidence right there, and 2. You downloaded something you knew you shouldn’t have and betrayed our trust.

Son: I know, I’m sorry, but I did go up to my room, so that my brothers wouldn’t see it.

Dad: Well if you knew enough that your brothers shouldn’t see something like that, what made you think it was okay for you to see it?

Son: I don’t know, it looked fun.

Me: Of course it looked fun, everything you downloaded had boobs in it! Again, it’s okay that you’re interested in that, but you, at your age shouldn’t be seeing anything like that.

Dad: Didn’t you see that it said, “Must be 18 or older to download?”

Son: No, I didn’t see that.

Me: Please don’t lie again, I’m looking at the warning right now Bubs.

Dad: Last I checked you have ten more years to go, before you’re legally allowed to watch things like this.

Son: I’m sorry.

Me: I understand that you’re sorry, and I want to thank you for finally telling us the truth. I do hope you understand now, that you will have to earn our trust again. You no longer have tablet privileges until further notice. That means, that if your brothers aren’t playing with it, you can not pick it up and play with it. You are also not to watch any Youtube videos. If you want to use the computer, you will be allowed to go online with either me or your Dad present. Do you understand this?

Son: Yes Mom, I understand. Am I still allowed to play outside?

Dad: Of course you are. We’re not grounding you for having normal feelings, you’re just losing your tablet and internet privileges.

Son: Thanks Mom and Dad, I really am sorry.

This was honestly a conversation that I could have waited a few more years to have with him. I honestly think that I was more embarrassed than angry at the situation. When I looked at the search terms, he had “sexy boobs”, “naked girls”, and “big butts.” He apparently knows what he wants to look at! I just couldn’t believe he is aware enough to actually search for this.

So the past two weeks he has been working diligently to make sure that the trust boundaries are being rebuilt. He hasn’t had too much of an attitude either. I know he’s trying hard to be really good because of our upcoming Summer events, beginning with Kennywood on Tuesday.

Have You Ever Heard of Parental Controls?

Of course we have! And we did have them in place. He somehow got around them, by searching for apps. So he actually downloaded porn apps! Luckily I received emails for them and that was how I found out. Chris put stricter controls on the tablet and the app market. Hopefully this won’t repeat itself, at least for a few more years.

What Do When Your Child Downloads Porn:

It’s quite simple. I know that some of you have already experienced this kind of situation, but if you haven’t here are some tips:

• Don’t freak out! – It’s normal for their age to begin exploring.
• Don’t yell! – They’re already embarrassed from being caught, don’t make it worse.
• Don’t shame or guilt them. – The last thing they need is a complex that will a lifetime to get over – if at all.
• Do make this a teaching opportunity.
• Do explain to them how they broke your trust.
• Do tell them and assure them that you still love them.

Kids are very impressionable, and if they feel that your door to communication has been closed, they will never tell you their problems again. They will grow up being afraid to talk to you for fear of reprimand or shame. That is why I asked him to leave the room, so that I could gather my thoughts before talking to him about what happened.

Has this happened in your family? How did you react?