Definitions belong to the definers, not the defined. ~ Toni Morrison
If you’ve visited my site before, you know that I am very open about our journey. Six months ago, Chris and I decided to walk away from it. We have the three boys. I am a mom because of them. This journey was becoming detrimental to my physical and mental well-being. It was also affecting my marriage more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes we’re good at dishing advice, but not take our own advice to heart.
Infertility became such a major part of my life that I forgot to live my life, to enjoy the little victories, to stop and smell the roses and enjoy that warm cup of coffee outdoors. I forgot to give praise to my husband for being a solid rock for me, for protecting me, and holding me up through everything — everything! So I’m going to give you an explanation as to why I didn’t write about infertility awareness week.
More Preoccupied With Miscarriages
At this point in our journey, we are more preoccupied with miscarriages rather than the infertility part. With reproductive help, we are able to conceive. Our main concern now is why the pregnancies have not been viable and what can we do to prevent one, if there is ever another pregnancy.
Concentrating On Our Marriage
Concentrating on our marriage is one of the best decisions we made together as a couple. We had become so distant and doing things separately that we didn’t know what the other was up to anymore. We concentrated on our work and that was it. All communication was lost between us.
Rediscovering Our Intimacy
Our co-existence as a couple had become so distant that we didn’t know what the other loved to do anymore. Sex became a meaningless routine — done just to conceive. The passion that we once had between us was gone. Intimacy was all but completely gone. We’ve been going on long car rides, talking into the early morning hours, just holding each other and so many other little things that are really big things to us.
Finding and Redefining Myself
Throughout this journey of infertility, I lost myself in a very big way. I allowed infertility to define who I was/am and became the infertile woman, the infertile wife. Everything I did was based and valued on my fertility status. No one could convince me otherwise. It has been a horrible ride, filled with depression, manic episodes, and bouts of anger. I realized that this is not who I am, nor who I want to be. This time was used to find and redefine me.
I am not infertile
Here’s an oxymoron for you, if there ever was one. Yes, I suffer from infertility as a result of my PCOS. Sure, I can’t conceive naturally and need medical assistance to do so. However, during my self-exploration, I’ve come to understand that infertility does not define who I am. There’s more to me than a diagnosis.
For all of these reasons and more, is why I did not write about Infertility Awareness Week. Yes, it still holds a special place in my heart, because I live with it every day but I can not let it define me as a person — as a woman. Right now I’m working on loving my husband and myself. Working on completing my education and starting the next chapter in my life. I want to be able to enjoy my marriage, and my marriage bed. I want to live without a stigma constantly over my head.