Today we can sit in front of our computer screens, and browse through Facebook. Both familiar, and unfamiliar faces will drown your feed with pink and blue ribbons, butterflies, candles, pictures of their ultrasounds, etc. It’s a sad day. It’s a day that usually passes me by, not on purpose, no but probably because I’m reminded of my losses everyday. Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.
On October 5th I went onto my Facebook page and I announced to the world, that I’m okay with where I am today. That I’m not regretting my journey and experiences. It was a very brave day for me, because until the moment I actually put my feelings into words, I was angry.
After some friends and family commented words of encouragement and how they too were bitter at one point or another, I closed the conversation with this:
I think that many of them don’t get that I was never bitter, nor jealous. I was alone, lonely, sad. There’s days when I still feel like that, it’s just not overwhelming anymore. My journey has been hard, and long, and sad. My journey consists of hopes being lifted and then suddenly taken away right from under me. My journey has consisted of nearly losing my marriage – my family. It’s no joke, this journey has probably taught me some valuable life lessons, ones that I wouldn’t have learned if I was able to conceive naturally and never experience a loss.
I have to admit, I betrayed myself yesterday, I left a group where women were announcing their pregnancies left and right, every moment of the day, my feed was filled with ultrasounds, and due dates, and their gratefulness that their day has finally come. While I may be at peace with my journey, it doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache, that my womb isn’t filled with life. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think of my losses and all the what if’s, could have beens, etc.
Lives were brought to me to care and nurture, only for them to be taken back. At least that’s how it feels to me. So many due dates just pass by, heart beats that linger and fade with time, little faces that I will never see – at least not while on Earth. Today, today I’m going to spend the day crying, and hoping, and praying – praying for a miracle. Praying for a chance to feel the life created growing, “sticking”, being born. For a chance to hold the little tiny person in my arms, to count his/her fingers and toes, to see what color eyes they may have.
It’s not a far fetched dream, at least I hope not. In the mean time I’ll sit here today and think on what those babies, who have moved on way before they were even here, look like. I’ll be thinking of them and envisioning them at 1 week old, 1 month old, 1 year old, and so forth. Today I’ll allow myself to feel sorry for me, my losses, and my dreams. I’ll allow myself to cry and mourn. I’ll allow myself to feel.
Today I’ll put down the wall today and I’ll let the emotions escape me. I’ll tell the world just how broken I feel. I’ll let them tell me how sorry they feel for me, and I’ll drink it all in. Tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll move on, and I’ll paste that smile back on my face, and congratulate the new mother to be, while praying for the safe arrival of her little rainbow baby.