Marriage and Infertility ~ How to Keep It Alive

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In December I had the pleasure of guest posting on Mom It Forward, with an article titled 4 Impacts of Infertility. I wanted to do a follow up piece on here, especially after my post following the New Year. 

Infertility can do a lot of damage, especially to a marriage. This past year has been especially hard, and almost caused a major rift in our marriage.

Once we noticed what was happening, we took a step back and discussed things. I want to share with you what we learned.

marriage and infertility

 

Chill Out Dude! 

No seriously. You both have to chill out! TTC’ing is hard, imagine it being all you EVER thinking about?!

After my surgery last year, and we got the green light to TTC again, it was ALL I was thinking about. All I kept saying were things like, “This cycle better be it.” “This new drug better work.” “No we can’t go out tonight, it’s ovulation day/week.”

I literally stopped our lives dead in its tracks!

It was a miracle my husband convinced me to go out on our anniversary!

It was around this time, that we had just completely stopped being intimate with each other, except for, yep you guessed it, ovulation week. We were constantly arguing, barely talking, except for doctor appointments, ultra sounds, pharmacy deliveries, etc. We were miserable!

I seriously needed to chill out and take a step back. I needed to re-evaluate what was important to me, to us, to our marriage!

 

Step Back A Moment

The arguments were horrible and hurtful. I don’t know who was worse me, or him. We definitely insulted each other and hurt each other, emotionally, more than anything.

I blamed the meds, and him not understanding what I was going through.

That was when I definitely stepped back and realized that he DID in fact knew exactly what I was going through. He was going through it with me!

I apologized and we actually talked! O.M.G. We TALKED!!!!

We decided that we should see a fertility therapist. I called my doctor and she referred us to a counselor she knew and we made or first appointment.

We were scared, of course, but we did it. We went an poured our hearts out to a total stranger.

 

Don’t Be Afraid To Seek Help

I love my husband. He inspires me, he motivates me, and he pisses me off to no end! I was able to say this and not fear retaliation. The therapist helped us put things into perspective. She reminded us that we were in this together, doing it together, for the purpose of CREATING new life together.

We had lost that along the way. She said it was normal, that it happens, and that we’re lucky that we caught this issue in time. We were informed that 4 out of every 6 couples trying to conceive divorce by the third year of trying!

My jaw hit the floor on that one, my husband actually cried! When we first got together, we told each other that the word divorce was out of our vocabulary. We were headed in that direction, and we didn’t even know it.

In that office, we promised that we were going to put us first!

 

Put Your Marriage First

You can’t bring a baby into this world for the sole purpose of saving a marriage. A child is supposed to be the fruit of your love. The reward for committing to one another. The prize for a love well done!

Your marriage has to be healthy for this big step. Having a baby is no joke!

We decided to start doing staycations, going out more often like we used to do.

We rediscovered ourselves, our marriage, our love!

We started dating again!

 

Keep Your Marriage Exciting!

Starting to date one another, brought everything back into perspective for us.

We had completely forgotten how in love we were with each other. Infertility and trying to conceive had completely taken over our marriage. It was our number one priority. Neither one of us saw how much the other was hurting.

We made each date night different and exciting, and we made our marriage number one on our list again. We were once again happy.

 

Marriage and Infertility

Infertility has affected us so much that we lost sight of what was truly important to us. We’ve both been through the heart aches of losing babies, or not being able to get pregnant. We’ve both cried and held each other, all the while secretly blaming the other. 

Through it all, we forgot that we were supposed to be there for each other. Physically we were, but emotionally and mentally we were absent and just going through the motions. (You can totally insert the song from Buffy the Musical here, go right ahead, I’ll wait until you’re done singing it in your head, or looking it up.)

It was a hard and difficult six months.

Six months that I do not want to relive again, EVER!

But Marriage is all about learning, and learning we did. We discovered that we loved each other more after each loss, and that we wanted to stay together no matter what. We learned that it was important to communicate and keep that door open, even if it made the other angry. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s even better to talk about the why’s!

We learned that Infertility is a part of our marriage, but it is NOT our marriage.

2013 was definitely a learning block for us, and we are definitely looking forward to a better 2014!

 

Has Infertility Affected Your Marriage? What Has Affected Your Marriage and How Did You Both Get Over the Hurdle?

 

Maria

Maria is a Step-Mom to 3 rambunctious boys aged 8, 6, and 5. She's a Writer, an Advocate for Infertility and PCOS, and an avid Baker and Cook. Here you can find how she deals with infertility as she tries to add to her family, traditional Italian recipes, and about her Adventures as a Homemaker. Grab a cup of strong coffee, a bag of popcorn, sit back and get ready to be entertained!

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Comments

  1. says

    I generally like your article, and your points are well taken. Infertility can take your love relationships and turn them into, “can barely tolerate you” relationships, if you allow it to. I do take issue withthe way you referred to a baby as your “reward” for committing to each other.

    Your reward for committing to each other is each other. A baby is neither glue for holding a marriage together, nor a merit based award for doing marriage right. A baby is a completely separate human being with whom you have a relationship and who changes the relationships you have with everyone else.

    • says

      Marci, when I say reward, I don’t mean it like a prize. It’s a celebration of ones love and commitment. Going through infertility and losses, having a take home baby may as well be that light at the end of the tunnel. I understand that a baby is a separate human being, but a human being created from love.
      Maria recently posted…Marriage and Infertility ~ How to Keep It AliveMy Profile

  2. says

    Thank you for this! My husband has been telling me that I put too much pressure on him when he just wants to be with me. We had to remember that after all the TTC efforts, we still have to spend the rest of our lives together so why not enjoy it!

  3. says

    Thank for these great suggestions. After my husband and I ended our IVF journey and started learning to accept a childfree life, I gave him a year of planned dates for Christmas. It was a great way to find us again, and actually date! I haven’t written much about our relationship yet on my blog, Ever Upward http://www.jlbf4.wordpress.com, as I think I’m still finding my own footing…

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